I do all of these things, as I realised a few weeks ago upon seeing my first scooter wreck. Regardless of my lack of extensive knowledge of the Chinese language, I sat on a bench in the middle of this scene and watched the two Chinese men argue about it for twenty minutes before I left. Quite entertaining if I do say so myself. Maybe not the content of the argument, but perhaps knowing that I was literally a few feet away from the argument, turning my head back and forth as if it were a tennis match. I was not the only one in attendance that day, however. Because this is China, there was a circle of people. This happens daily, people infiltrating private, or not so private considering Chinese people always yell in normal conversation, talks between people.
Other oddities here that would never be seen happening in are the openings of windows during winter time. This is certainly one of my biggest pet peeves here. Today, in fact, as I was in class, my students, who refuse to take off their jackets, wanted the window open to let the 40 degrees air in. It must be considered Chinese taboo to remove your jacket, scarf, and beanie indoors. Another favorite includes the warm up of Chinese waiters and waitresses. The occurrence is absolutely brilliant and one of my favorite things to watch. All managers at restaurants in the US, take note: apparently it is absolutely necessary to make your employees line up outside your establishment, lecture them, and then have them perform a routine dance prior to entering the restaurant to take the first order. The first time you come across this, you will probably have one of those "omg get this filmed now...what IS this?" reactions.
If you aren't a dancing waiter, perhaps you are a dancing store attendant. Sometimes I simply want to say, "Just because you are outside the shop waving your hands and doing a little dance, doesn't mean I will come inside"....even though I sometimes do just because I want to see what they are on about. Turns out its just another shop with clothes that fit only people the size of elves or a shop with random bunches of complete crap worth two yuan (30 cents).
Recently I came across a list titled "You have been in China too long if..." Let me list several of my favourites which I have already found to be true or just funny.
1. Before asking someone’s age, you ask what animal they are. (People year are categorized by the year they were born. I was born in the year of the rabbit. Apparently this tells you more about me then my actual age.)
2. You start picking at other people’s dinner plates before they even offer you a taste. (Yes, people here do that)
3. You eat family style at any and all restaurants, Chinese or not. (that's the only way to eat! Who cares if we order 14 dishes for 3 people!)
7. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules. (It is true...Chinese people do NOT know how to drive. I prefer the crazy drivers in Peru to the clueless ones here)
9. You buy a round trip air ticket in China. (yes, I'm going home for Christmas and returning back to China)
10. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose. (Men AND women do this here. Just blow their noses without kleenex. Because that is so sanitary. This is why I'm always sick.)
11. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai. (Very true)
12. You think singing Karaoke on Friday nights is fun. (I don't think it's fun, but the Chinese do love their karaoke)
13. Other foreigners seem foreign to you.
14. You consider McDonalds a treat.
15. You ask how much people are making and expect people to answer. (I was a bit put off when someone first asked me this. Then I learned that its normal. Manners, people.)
16. You talk louder than is necessary. (Isn't that the truth? I don't need to hear your entire conversation at a yell).
18. You prefer using chopsticks. (I do!)
19. Chinese fashion starts looking hip. (I'm starting to think this way. Oh no)
21. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
22. Your body no longer needs dairy products. (I don't remember the last time I had a dairy product. Give me cheese dip from my favorite Mexican restaurant please.)
24. The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card (We all have business cards. I've given one away, because I couldn't remember my phone number. I think I'll include them in my Christmas cards this year)
25. You start to enjoy the taste of bai jiu. (Absolutely the worst alcohol you will ever have. No words can describe. But we drink it anyways)
26. You go back home for a short visit, get in a car and start giving the driver directions in Chinese.
27. You have to pause and translate your phone number into English before telling it to someone.
28. Your idea of a larger home is an extra 10 square meters.
31. You go to the local shop in pajamas. 34. You see some real cleavage and think WOW!
35. You ask fellow foreigners the all-important question “How long have you been here?” in order to be able to properly categorize them.
38. When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”
39. You seriously contemplate putting bathroom tiles on the outside of your house back home.
41. Pollution, what pollution?
42. You think squat toilets are more sensible
44. You start wearing long thermal underwear on October
1st no matter what the temperature is.
45. You stop wearing long thermal underwear on May 1st no matter what the temperature is.
46. You phone an English-speaking laowai friend and somehow can’t bring yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation.
47. You stop enjoying telling newcomers to China ‘all about China’.
49. You are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment, even though you’ll probably never ever meet her again.
52. When you think it’s alright to stick your head into a stranger’s apartment to see if anybody’s home. (I do this with my neighbours, whom I have never met.)
53. You think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser.
55. You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”.
56. Someone doesn’t stare at you and you wonder why.
57. 70 degrees F. feels cold.
61. Looking at a dog makes you hungry.
62. Firecrackers don’t wake you up.
64. You don’t mind when your date picks his/her nose in public.
70. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends.
75. Forks feel funny.
76. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.
81. You get homesick for Chinese food when away from China.
86. Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.
87. The Lunar Calendar ALWAYS takes precedence.
95. After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to.
101. You can make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.
103. You think of ‘salad’ as diced apples in mayonnaise
104. You don’t recognise a bowl of chicken soup unless there’s feet and a head in it.
107. In the summer, you roll the legs of your pants up to your knees whenever you sit down.
108. (men) And you roll your shirt up to your nipples.
109. You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
110. You have a purse and you are male.
111. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.
112. You smoke in crowded elevators.
114. You go to the hospital at the first signs of a cold.
117. Your handshake is weakening by the day.
118. You would never think of entering your house without first removing your shoes.
119. You can’t put a proper sentence together in your native language.
120. You aren’t aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
121. Drilling on the walls in the wee small hours in the morning is considered acceptable behaviour.
122. You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills.
123. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your
acquaintance have chosen for themselves.
124. Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat.
126. You use the word “Ayyiieeaaahh” every few sentences to convey surprise, pleasure, pain or anger.
128. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other.
131. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
132. You start to think that the most popular cartoon here is a bit cool. Meet Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf.
You know you have been in China too long when you start making lists like this.
